InstaHAM Etiquette; The Do’s and Dont’s to woo your Crush on Social Media (CRAZY PORK EDITION)

In this day and age, understanding the etiquette of social media on Instagram is a must.  I know a lot of friends who have really blown it when trying to strike up a conversation, especially with the opposite sex on social media.  Here are ten steps to help you with swine tested strategies on the most polite, elevated and mature way to flirt with the object of your desire.  These 10 steps are sure to lure your crush into your hooves.

*The porkers and hypothetical events in this entry are fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons is not intended by the author and is either a coincidence or the product of your own troubled imagination.  Should you choose to actually believe or try any of these steps, we are not held responsible for the good, bad or ugly consequences that may follow.

  1. PROFESS.  After “knowing” him for 5 minutes, tell him he is the ONE and ONLY in your life and you’re down to have 15 piglets. Like right now. Strike while the iron is hot. And do this with any cute boy you meet. If you throw enough spaghetti (a.k.a. proposals) on the wall, something is bound to stick, right?26426__pig-wedding_p
  2. THROW TANTRUMS. Send a direct message to your crush asking for his Snap chat or KIK handle. If for any reason he declines, make sure to call him derogatory names to let him know who he’s dealing with. That will for sure change his mind.
  3. BE POPULAR. Purchase thousands of followers to make it look like you are a really popular pig. It will impress your friends, people you don’t know and especially your crush. He will feel like he knows a celebrity pork chop and should be honored to be included in the hoards of faceless, nameless fans.
  4. DEMAND A RESPONSE. When your crush posts something and hasn’t answered your DM yet, send him another message, and yet another one every 5 minutes. It’s important to let him know that you know he is online and that you are feeling ignored. It doesn’t matter how long you have known him, or what is going on in his life. He needs to stop everything RIGHT NOW and give you 100% of his attention! I mean, you are top quality Hamhock after all!
  5. BE ARTISTIC. You’re a deep, mysterious Ham. Be passive aggressive and send odd poetic quotes to your crush with no message or comment explaining
  6. STALK.  Research your crush, find out where he works and surprise him with a message of love and devotion on his voicemail, but don’t leave your name. Just say, “You know who this is.” And a soft grunt for emphasis. He didn’t give you his work number? For a savvy woman privacy means nothing when you’re in
  7. PERSONALIZE.  Assume every post is all about you. I mean, it must be, right? Take everything personally and then hold it against him. Send him the post and ask him to explain himself immediately. When he tells you that his cat died which is why he posted the sad kitty, don’t believe him. You know it was really about him missing you, but he’s just not brave enough to say it.
  8. CALL IT OUT. If your crush ignores your SDS tag, assume the worst. He hates you. Period. It couldn’t possibly be because he has a life and cannot answer 20 tags a day. No, it’s you. The way you tag him is offensive and you should confront him about it, especially if he actually answered someone else’s tag.
  9. HECKLE.  When your crush goes on Live, make sure to holler at him to show his junk. If he does, it means he loves you. If he doesn’t, make sure to call him on it and say, “What’s the problem, Gumdrop?”thoudon_NAND153-A14-N01_Gumdrop
  10. CRUSH HIS EGO. Send him a sexy selfie so he feels special and like he’s on top of the world. Then, five minutes later upload that exact same photo to your feed. This way he’s knocked down off that high horse and will know he’s just another faceless fan amongst your thousands of devoted Australopithecus followers. Happy Hump Day!Unknown

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