Just in time for Valentine’s Day, today I’m sharing some of my piggy secrets in nabbing the man of your dreams. Trust me, as a swine who knows how to chase down and hog tie her man in 10 seconds flat, I know what I’m talking about. There are two parts of this process, Reeling him in and Keeping him Happy.
REELING HIM IN…
1. SILENCE THE SNOUT
Play hard to get… real hard. Roll your eyes as you size him up and answer your cell phone that never rang right after he starts a conversation with you. When he finally texts you, leave him on read and go to bed. He needs to realize there are many other better looking and more interesting men out there vying for your attention! Men love to chase piggies with their snout in the air, acting completely disinterested. Whatever you do, don’t give him any compliments. He may get too much confidence and think he can do better than you.
2. DISPLAY THE HAMMIES
Who wants class? Not the man of your dreams, that’s for sure. Make sure to post full frontal nudes on all your social media channels and it’s always nice to throw in an upside down, backwards porky rump shot while licking a lollypop staring over your shoulder. But don’t forget to leave something to the imagination! A strategically placed carton of Newport’s will leave your crush’s lips craving you instead of a drag. The added bonus of all your friends and family seeing you in these poses will only add to the intrigue and make any gentleman proud to have you on his arm.
3. KEEP YOUR HOOVES TO YOURSELF
No man wants to be touched by a beautiful swine. They shudder at the thought of your delicate hoof brushing their shoulder, or even smelling your bacony aroma as you lean towards them to adjust their tie. One time I went around at a show asking the salesmen if it was OK to touch their shirts? They huffed and they puffed and sent me squealing all the way home.
4. POISON HIM
When he’s not looking, slip something he’s allergic to into his drink. Hopefully he will get deathly ill and then you will be right there to take care of him. He will see that you have such amazing maternal instincts that you might even need to prepare for a death bed proposal.
AFTER HE’S YOURS… KEEP HIM HAPPY!
5. BRING THE DRAMA
Men love it when you can add an unnecessary amount of drama to their lives. Broke a hoof nail? OMG same as dying! Some dude looked at you in line? Tell your man immediately that he hit on you and took a picture of you bending over and what is he going to do about it? Question his sexuality if he doesn’t confront the guy. They gave you 2 pumps instead of 4 at Starbucks!? Scream and vent to your boyfriend for 45 min. on the phone and then insist that HE call the manager and make them apologize to YOU. I mean, come on, everyone needs this kind of excitement in their life, right!? Bringing home the bacon with a side of drama will always delight and fascinate him.
6. STALK HIM
Whatever you do, do not give him any personal space. Follow him wherever he goes and don’t let him have a moment to himself. Comment 5 times on every status he posts and make sure to call him 10 times a day, but never say anything. Just hang up. Keep the mystery alive.
7. SINGLE WHITE PIGGY
Identity theft is the ultimate form of love. Adopt all his hobbies and opinions to be your own as well. No need for your own separate set of interests. Just agree with everything he says with a bright-eyed smile. No man wants a piggy with her own life, mind, or opinion. Why would you want a partner adding a different perspective or introducing new areas you never would have imagined trying? So overrated.
8. STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN
Never cook him dinner or make him special treats. Don’t believe everything you see on TV. Men generally do not get too excited over sexy hammies bending over in an apron. They also hate food in general, especially home cooked meals. Hungry? I see a coupon for Arby’s on the fridge.
9. THREATEN HIS MOTHER
Want to really let him know you care? At your first family gathering, get his mother alone and confront her. Bonus points if the topic can be doling out constructive criticism on the meal she just made. It’s important that you take a stand so he can see how strong you are. Maybe give his mom a little push and grunt while you’re at it to make your point. She’s no longer the woman in his life and needs to back off. This will tell your man you are total wife material.
Thank you for reading my swine tested secrets on catching Mr. Right. Please do not feel the need to contact me to thank me. You’re welcome, from the bottom of my porky heart.